Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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