I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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