Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
