Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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