I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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