You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
