fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
