It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
In other news, I just burned my penis
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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