she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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