I wish I could teleport
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
