Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
