what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize