is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
