so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sorry my hands just texted you
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
