If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
