I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
