is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
