If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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