I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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