I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
