Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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