my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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