I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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