My cat gives me a boner
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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