giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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