we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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