so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
