Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Randomize
