She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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