Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
