Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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