I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i wish my penis had a tongue
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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