Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
