Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
