why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
