Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
