Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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