I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
