im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
