my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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