Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
