I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just google imaged poop.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize