but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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