you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
