cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
