I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
