some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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