Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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