New invention idea: vibrating tampons
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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