Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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