I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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