Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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