You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
