i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
