I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
