Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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