i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
