I accidentally had phone sex last night
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
