There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
