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What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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