This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize